The one we cannot have

We want the one we cannot have
We want the one who will make us sad
drives us mad
We want the one who we have to chase
instead of the one who stays
We want the one who gives us butterflies,
our familiar highs
the one we fall for instead of the one
who does not keep score
we want the one where we feel the struggle
pinching our hearts, spinning our heads
uncertainty is the pavement we cannot mend
we bend for the one who we want
but should not be with
for the highs cannot remain
and the lows drives us insane
we burn down in our created flames
If we had just looked around
there were people near
whom would have been dear
soothed our sou but how
were we suppose to know?
we have learned from younger years
to replay the story, our unfound glory
of being wanted and accepted
now we fill that hole, the gap, the lack
by thinking they will set things right
till one finally understand only oneself can
Then, the ones you’ve chased disappear
and the tune within you soothes your soul
to be your own
and be free


Why are you here

Why are you here? as a fear
I hold on so tight but we fight
Left on my own, before I was born
You rose to protect me from the neglect,
a wound I could not carry on my own
no proud eyes nourished my grounds
indifference was my own crown
nothing, I see now, that I’ve accomplished
would’ve been enough
So I turned inward, to you and we
created a world where I felt free
Reality does not exist here
So I can pretend to not bend
I can let go of having to act , be someone
and then someone again
I shapeshift like there is no end
to receive attention, to be chosen,
to be special as a child in an adult disguise
Anyone who is starving feasts on crumbs
I collect them one by one
Instead of making my own bread
to live of that
What one does not know one fears
I have cried too many tears to remain here
Our hole won’t seal through easy appeal
nor will control protect our sense of self
that requires a safe ground to grow as it wants
with no wires
You kept us safe and connected
to those who neglected
to grow up and be on our own
Now is the time to get yourself known
To drop the masks and see who we are
and why we are not free to reach our furthest star
Our heart is in the right place but has hardened over time so please
let’s be kind


Tug of war

I distract myself
I wish you would not
From not becoming a master 
I wish you forgot
For mastery is to be feared
It would benefit us if steered
I snicker at our tries
Oh i could just cry
I shall never reach success
I wish we could change
I can not bear it
You are insane
For I do not see myself beyond the limit
We strangle ourselves
I wish you would accept
I wish you would give up
I am doing this for our best
You are such a pest
We should stay where we are
We could go so far
We can‘t do anything
We deserve so much more
I don‘t want to open that door

The last song

Despite it all
The last bird will sing with the rising sun
Even if it is the last of its kind
No response
It will sing 
Over the cars
Breathe the smog
And sing
Like it has never sung before
Until the creature, falls
Lies on the cold concrete floor
We just walk by
as if nothing happened
Like we have lost a sound
a part of our voice

We will pay our dues


I want to live 
I want to be
But I am stuck in my ways longing to be free
The corset of my childhood shapes how I grow
How I move and the things that I know

I may look intakt, I have arms, legs
and a head
Internally I feel silly
Fighting the images bestowed upon me
Like a sponge I had no choice
Sucked up my parents internal voice
As if this wasn‘t enough
Shaped by their point of view
No crossing their line
Stand up straight
Obey and don‘t misbehave
Thinking all was my fault,
And never you

I carry these voices deep inside of me
Facing the adult life I scream
„Set me free!“
Wanting to lift off but how can I fly
When all I have is the skeleton of the wings
Not reaching the sky the scales are missing
which would lift me off the ground
So I walk as far as I can and watch others fly

Collecting the scales, that have fallen off their wings
Sow them onto mine, hoping that one day
I could at least 

and then fly

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Drawn towards you I find myself 
Questioning how I cannot let go of you
For I feel my inner birds calling upon me to go
Towards you
The bird inside the cage, which must be freed
By being courageous, a virtue it sees in you
Another bird in a cage
That wants to show its wings 
And fly and hear its own name
The cage can only be unlocked
By mimicking your say
Another is the creative one
That sings when it is near you the loudest
Freeing this one requires
To break from the shackles
And fly next to you
The creative bird you have 
These cages 
Only open
Once I let go of the threat
And be like you 
Not to become who you are
But use the melodies of your birds
To open the cages that hurt

Subtle dislike

I want to wake up and hear the birds chirp
and sing
Not a dozen cars, reminding me of our sins
The sound of birds, such a beautiful moment
Of natural spring, of nature that sings 
What use is the noise of a car, so loud and dirty
Polluting and giving us scars
Reputing that sound
Of human machines
It is shear nothing
In comparison
To nature

My hearts shade

My hearts shade is pink
Drenched from whitness 
Cultivated within
With mechanical hands
Some don’t stand a chance
The redness of life
Swallowed by everything in 
No space for truth
Or delight

My hearts shade is pink
For I am shun from it all
Strung to the parade
Of the modern call
To believe and serve
The worst of kind
The redness of life
Pumps blood through the veins
It is as clear as day 
That we are all the same

My hearts shade is pink
Taught to hold my tongue
And look away
Consumed by the white cleaness
Night and day

My hearts shade turned white
Stopped beating with life
I belong to the dead 
I am a empty zombie
Dictated by the head

The hearts shade should be dark red
Pulsing and breathing
With every beings heart beat
We are born red
modern society bleached it white
Protect your red hearts
With all your power and might

Loving you

Loving you was like walking
On thin ice, wearing no shoes

What I gave to you
Fell right through

Loving you made it impossible to move
Always feeling blue

Every step was a potential crack
A sound I attuned to

Loving you was like having ice crystals
growing from beneath my feet
Covering me, Sealing me, Freezing me

Loving you meant that winter never ends
One lingered on thin ice
almost forever

But I did not want to pay this price
of not being alive

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our being is our home
The gue that holds us together
We name it love

Lost are we now
Stripped from our being
Our home
Divided and distracted
Broken and discarded

We do not exist for us
We are here for the companies and the data
Our own creation, turns against us

Everything is, because we are lost
And alone,
Made to believe we are on our own

But we are a part of the human cell
And love does exist
We must just persist

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The thing is
Not too add more false greens
And to finally reduce cars and meat
Not to cover the problem or avoiding its core
Where is everyone? 
Always working towards what is to come, more and more
Sunk deep im the internets scum
Where is everyone?
With no time im their hands
Rushing and cussing
Invading new land

female wisdom

Historical amnesia 
On female wisdom
Hunted in the middle ages
Burned on stages
Labled as witches
Betrayed by both sexes
For docrtines manifest in all
Where are the philosophers,
Quote them just as easily
As the common names
Where is the female wisdom
Hidden and not portrait

Love pierces

Love pierces slowly
It pierces a wall that protects you
From all
Or so you belief
Sometimes I wish it would just shrink
So small
It would disappear
Thought I would lose
My sense of fear
Time would be timeless
Without a heart
We live in our moments.
If love were dead
We wouldn’t be present
Life without love
Could not show us the intense meaning
Of being here
Knowing it is precious
And once the moment is over
It is gone
Never to be lived again

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Society is not made
For you to bloom
To be yourself
You’d be a waste
If you cannot be indulged
If you live by your own morals
Led by love and goodwill
Not the cheap and stenched
Industrial thrill
You would not let yourself
Be told who you are
And where in the chain you stand
To bow down
And listen to their demands
You can nourish your being 
With nature and feeling
For seeing only is 
To welcome your other soul
That laughs and grows
Like branches and roots
To reach the stars
And dive deep into the unknown
Courage would steer your way
You are a light to yourself
Forget who you are and who you were
Discover to rediscover and see
What hides underneath your covers
Of the self that was not yours
To choose
We all have a persona
To hide the bruise
Of not being able 
To live as ourselves
Because society
Made us
We are someone
But nobody else

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If I lower the wall
which I kept up
If roots break through
I would not stop crying
For years
As the tears continue
As pain and sorrow
Roam on earth
People have gone mad
The banality of evil
Not only on a single name
Blind obedience
Dull within
Our humanity
Is bathing in blood
The horrors show
Heavens won’t let us know
No escape
Where is the crowd? Or the individual?
Think we must
And feel just the same
So that we can
finally change
this train

Some say

Some say I am too much 
Or that I couldn’t care less
Overwhelmed or not really blessed
Can I be right when I am wrong
Is it a delight?
Am I this strong?
I run through the night
You’d lay in the sun
Carry all scars
Like you had none
It was your best move
To say it out loud
Felt my shackles fall
To the ground 

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This outer puppet is so divine
Can climb over the shackles
Of your wound
But it is a layer of skin
A cover
To not discover
The world behind this wall
But your eyes
have an opening
Covered only
By a invisible sheet
Let’s everything in
What the skin
Cannot prevent
And bend
It let’s you inside
The inner world
Touching a string
Leading to the core

So if you glance 
Into my eyes
Long enough
I will shift and shove
Break the glance
To escape 
Me in you
From discovering
What is true
What my skin hides
For having to sit
In this moment of being watched
Is like feeling my skin
Being pierced and cut
I hurry 
Cannot stop thinking
My heart and my eyes
Are blinking
I should stay 
You glance feels like
The pressure of the ocean
Weighing on me
All i want is to pick up a cover
That will hide me from you
So i can rest again
And not chose you

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how often you cross my mind
I cannot count
Too many time
Not a decent amount
Too often for me
You see

That is the reason
Why you remain
Annoyed at myself
For longing your name
To cross my lips
For bliss
To cross the thresh hold
Of your door
To see your eyes
Look into mine
I know
I will smile

I keep myself
Far away
Reroute and take longer walks
To prevent the chance
Of crossing with you
For I know
My armour will drop
And i’d long for it all
Inducing myself in you
Till I forget
Wake up the next morning
With you in my head
The cycle begins 
And all i am longing
Is for it to end
But i am denying myself
To let myself be
To understand
This pulsing need
Like a moth 
To a flame
I fly into you
Knowing i will burn
And not return
I yearn
I want you
Again and again
But i cannot be with you
There are boundaries
That I hold up high
Age is a big difference
Blinded and binded
By society
I care
About you
I really do
But my heart
Broke too often
For it to see through
Layers of 
Am i afraid to live?
Is it something
That exists?
To scared to feel the pure emotions
And standing with you
There is something in me
That tears us in two

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It is a good thing
that we are not able
to speak with to animals
If we did
We would make them feel
Worthless and powerless
Just like us

It is a good thing
That the universal „language“
Does not consist of words
But of love
And love
Is a state of being
Actions and energy
No words
it is always enough

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Most of us
Do not know what we like
Conditioned by the outside
To decide for us
What is wrong and right
So you believe you chose
Someone for delight
But what you may not realise
Is that you chose
Based on what you’ve been told
Now you are too old
To ask yourself why
So you stop and standby
In your own life
Until you die
Maybe with the last breath
You cry
Do we know
What it feels like
To want to die for something
To give ones life to safe another
Equally important
To stop the machine
Of the greedy, dead prone mind
To step infont of a driving car
To save a passing squirrel
To save the last tree
To live in ones own values
Driven by humanity
To stop madness
Enable for maybe
Others to be free
But we have learned to
Look away
And say
It is what it is
And make way
For the companies
And diggers
And rippers
Tearing life out of the soil
For oil
That will run out
Either we perish due to
The pollution
Of the death we have caused
Because we have no more
Crops or nutrients at all
As the insects died
The ocean is dead
We will join them
Try not to bet

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I don’t receive a message
Asking if i am okay
By a certain someone
We all crave
I do not ask someone
If a red or a blue
Would go better with maroon.
I lie in bed with books and my phone
Some may think i am pitiful alone

I am
On my own
But what others fail to see
Are all the other nights i’ve had
In a shared bed
Were i cried and died inside
Stuck in a fight
Try to fall asleep
during those nights
The days where I did not grow
And my heart drenched in sorrow
I started to vanish
Under his eyes
And mine
No, those nights and days
You don’t see
But if i’d told you
You would’t really care
As long as I have a partner
All is fair
As it does not make you
Question your relationship
Just to keep you going
Because it is the way
Disney and our history say
Made us be 
Made us long
For wretching love songs
But if we were being honest
Most of us don’t really have a clue
Or know the truth that simmers
And lingers
Inside of you
Blinded by society
You lose your humanity
Easier following a script
And playing a role
Than stepping outside the box
Where your true colours show
I breath in my peace
In my own bed
Yes, of course 
I get sad
But not because I miss a human being near
But i’d wish i’d had a cat
Oh that would be it,

my dear

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It is not uncommon
That when I sleep with a man
It is my voice which has to say no
To sleeping without protection
So I can leave without fear
We undress and get closer
Why do I feel you too near
Are you fucking kidding me?
Did you just try
To pass me by?
To slip it in?
Even though
I said „No“?
I again
Have to push my body away
To keep myself safe
What do I do now?
Since you can’t have it your fucking way
Fuck you
You ignorant and egotistical fool
You see me as a tool?
I believe in respect and trust
I place it over lust
But apparently
That thought is naive
One would think
In 2023
People would know
What a No means
Unfortunately I have been proven wrong
As it is not an uncommon thing
And you wonder why we are fed up
Why I literally do not want to bother
Spare myself this shit
I can do it better by myself 
I know I come
Than with someone
Who can’t deal with
Wearing a condom


I did not know what they mean
Having them seems so obscene
Never able to build them
Because they were always taken down
Even by force, no sign of remorse
I learned to walk through life without that shield
Taken advantage of
Gave myself away, over and over
Even if it threatened my life I learned to survive
Became numb inside
Had to silence the anger enable to exist
Fake the bliss, I would give you my all
Oh i learned how to only say yes
my body screaming no
but I could not let go
Confused by this game of never being enough
And always played no matter what
Could place my hand on the stove
And not feel the burn
I have disassociated myself in turn 
My hand would reach almost a shade of black
Till my system kicks in and pulls the hand back
Confused by the sudden severe pain
Looking down on my hand 
Burned and almost dead
The top skin
Peeling off
Exposing raw flesh
In agony I cry
Why?! Why?!
I did not understand
That I do not and should not
Leave my hand on for so long
For after one second
A persons hand would go
What does this tell me about my past?
and what does my future hold?

sparkly wine

I did not see the hook in the glas
The wine was too red, too fine 
Sweet and sparkly
It was mine
You knew how to move
Slither into my gaze
I was amazed
I returned more often
Enjoyed the attention from you
I wondered, who
Is the better player between us two
I was in lust for you
You wanted me too
Exchanges of notes and a napkin kiss
It was a late spring night as we unite
It was pleasure pure
thrill and climax
A night to remember
Little did I know
You (I) played my heart
Picked me(you) out
From the start
As I(you) picked you(I)
To licked my wounds
You(I) hooked me(you) tight
With the compliments
That I disliked
Spotted(showed) my weakness
I am sure
You(I) played this game before
Longing to be held by love
I (You) take what I(You) can
I felt unsure and weird
Did not know what to think
If you(I) are just pampering me(You)
And then sink in
Claim me(you) but I did not stay 
This is a game for you and for me
I told you I cannot be true
You tried to cross the line
Far too many times
For me to still respect you(me)
I am done
And so are you
I crave your attention
I wish you(I) would
See me
But you(I) dont
You(I) just „want“ me(you)
For yourself(myself)
Not interested in my(your) pain
I am addicted
To not being loved
I seek it over and over again
One person
Worst than the other
When will I have enough…

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Just like Hensel and Gretel
I was left out
Send out of the possibility 
Of being loved and wanted
I seemed to have been
A problem from the start
I walk through the forest
Without a shield
Nothing to protect
Me from the predators
Who lure around
Found a house
Made out of candy
My lonely soul
Was a trap
Captured by a man
Who lured me to him
I did not understand
Why i was walking into the same traps
Over and over again
But nobody thought me
How to withstand
I am waiting 
For the night
And then the day
Led astray
Too many times
I sleep at bay
I cry silent tears
And fall from my fears
I am waiting 
To leave the dormant state

The wall

the wall between us two keeps me safe
away from you
because if i’d let the boundaries
go I am scared of what it will show

I sit across you
a table space
between us both
keeps the distance
between you and me
you have seen
the depth
of my soul
the ancient tears
out of my scars
I look at you
my heart
is longing
as I always do
for you see,
kind and
my egos eyes
the ring on your finger
keeps the frame
I create
a fantasy
causing and giving
me bliss
and pain

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My heart is strong
and tender
big enough
to hold
every shade of

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i am a piano
and i have only
learned to play
the white keys
of my self
missing the
black melody
Come here
and teach me

Just be

You say „just be“
I try my best to see what you mean
I struggle to sit and being afraid
of not being enough

It will come through
scared to fail this „task“
Just be? how?
tell me
I ask

Having been changed and altered
and I continue doing the same
made to function but went insane
made to be quiet and bear anything
despite my tears and cries

I internally died
replaced myself with an outer shell
that bears this without emotions
protecting me not to let the pain get in
so i shut it all out and walk through life
half alive eager to survive
staying stuck in this skin
Just „to be“ I wish,
maybe one day,
we will see

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You don’t see
even though
you have eyes
you don’t hear
despite your ears
You don’t speak
with your heart
You don’t touch
even though
you are covered
in skin

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honest souls
are like unkraut
they will always
be there
being stripped
from the very beginning
through education,
hurtful words
and absorbed fear
we are still here
In search for the truth
we’d give our life
the purpose of art
kindles our flame
to survive
this insane place
so follow their light

what would happen

what would happen if you paused
and transformed it into your life
imagine your soul
to let in what you kept out
to embrace your space hear your hearts beat inward and out

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you are running
towards your grave
where you will realise
what you have done

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I wonder why
I could not touch the sky
stuck on the ground
I look around
I see others
soaring up high
with glorious wings
but there are only
a few
and they are out of reach
sometimes a scale
falls down
I collect each
carefully piecing
together wings
for my own
that have been
and picked
telling me
I have more than enough

the skeleton of
my wings are
cracked to
broken by others
who have two scars
on their back
but some of us
keep on mending
and pretending
that one day
I will have
of these scales
and continue
my tale

what is love

when I look at you
my heart is the size of two
it expands beyond you too
it is a energy from within
having been nourished by the self
with kind and cherishing
words and care
for the body and soul

love has no limits
it is not fragmented
it is pure
the dosage is always the same
infinitely a cure
it sees without eyes
cares with no disguise

love is a stream
flows from within
no damms
or artificial lakes
is a movement
in every single way

Love knows no
distance or time

Love is in dust
and in stars

Love is letting
things be
their truest self
so that we can all

love is in the roach
and the whale in the sea

love equals life
so set yourself free

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where can I go
within the limits
of a mile
that has not yet
been polluted
by the human cry
where nature
is the only
sound I hear
even if we
belong to the same sphere

where nature
roams and
puts me back
into my place
with grace
to stop
and to embrace
to listen and
so that i can heal